I survived…

Thank you ever so much to all my friends and family who sent me messages of love over this past weekend. I only cried once, and I think that’s pretty good going. My roommate Liese made me a Banoffe Pie before she left for the holidays, and it was wonderful. I'm rather ashamed that I still don’t know how to make one, and now she does. So in the New Year it’s a goal to learn how to bake a delicious Banoffe Pie, I am British after all, it’s my heritage!
So over this "none" Anniversary of mine, I’ve had a lot of time to ponder on what is love, and unfortunately I don’t really have any profound comment to say.

Love to me has a strong tie to talking. I don’t know how to articulate  what I mean, but it’s that feeling of having that one person who you want to tell something to above anyone else you could talk to.

I also think love has to do with sacrifice. Pure love is unselfish. I’ve come to realize that when you really love someone you’ll sacrifice anything.

Anyhow, it’s almost Christmas, so I’ve been spending as much time as I can with the Francom family. I’ve attended both sides of their families Christmas parties, and everyone just knows me now as the adopted British daughter. I find it extraordinary to think that it was only this march that I lived at their house for a few weeks, and now I can’t comprehend life without them. I love them so dearly. Going to their home each week for Sunday dinner keeps me sane, and lets me know I’m not alone. It’s also really nice having big sisters.

Well, before everyone deserted P town, a group of us went and saw that Avatar movie. And, wow, it was amazing, I saw it 3D, and was expecting it to be ridiculous and silly. But I completely loved it; I thought it was so cool, I totally wish I could be a Na’vi, tall, skinny, and blue!

Official Avatar Movie

As it's crhistmas break and I have no homework, yesterday Laura dropped off for me, "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn" to read. I'm quite looking forward to having a little time to read.

So, if I didn't have the possible doom of leaving America forever hanging over my head, I would totally love these books. But alas, no book buying for me, as they won’t be flying with me to wherever I end up. But one day, when I have a home, I’d like lots and lots of pretty books.

(Penguin Classics, $13.50 Each)

Tools of survival...

I am surviving this week, by eating chocolate for breakfast, listening to classic rock 24/7, specifically jukebox hero by foreigner , making cookies and dancing around the living room with Liese. Although I can't block out the memories of  this time last year, I can at least eat chocolate and have an excuse, as no one's going to attempt stopping me :-) And I'm surprising myself at how well I'm doing,  I'm rather happy. (But then again, it is only tuesday?) I tell myself that I'm celebrating the fact I'm alive, free and single with no constraints, I'm only 21, and have great friends, and a Utah family to spend the weekend with.

Boys vs. Banana Republic

Last night Liese and I had a few giggles staying up late chatting on my bed about lots of random things. And needless to say, boys came up in the topic of conversations. While disscussing our options Liese composed this perfect analogy..... (these are the words of Liese, as I stole this from her blog)

In life, while single, you should have 3 options at all times until you select 1. The same applies to dress shopping. Now given our obsession with Banana Republic (and I say "our" mainly because I'm the one that usually buys it, and we're both great at wearing it!), we've developed a concept to follow in both situations.

Let start with the 3 dress options, in order of importance:

*Situation: You walk into Banana Republic looking for a dress to wear at a nice event

Dress #1: Little black dress. An essential wardrobe piece. Classic and eternal. It's what you want and need. It makes you look good and feel confident. It may be on the pricey side, but probably the best investment in your closet. Staple item.

Dress #2: Cute (insert color) dress. This dress is of whatever color you like. It made you smile when you first saw it and you definitely would like to have it. Due to lack of funds, you can't have everything you see. It's a risk because you're not that familiar with it. You're unsure of how it will fit in with the rest of your wardrobe and how often you'll even get to wear it. Can you wear it year-round? Can you pull off the cut? Does it bring out your eyes? Will you turn heads? What are you expecting from it? You have no clue... All you know is that you want to love it in some way or some how. You ask the sales person constantly for their opinion just so they will tell you what you've always want to hear about it. You want some reason to be convinced into purchasing it even though don't have the slightest idea if this will even work out. But it all seems so worth it.

Dress #3: Sale item. Cute dress. Most likely seasonal. It'll look great with your new headband, but you can't wear everyday like you want to. It's caught your eye, but you're more impressed with the price and not the style of the dress itself. It's an option, but more like a last resort.

And now... for the boy analogy...

Boy #1: The "one." He's gorgeous. He makes you laugh. He's stellar and really if you can get him to fancy you life would be complete. He's simple and easy going, yet makes the biggest statement. Liking him comes with a price. You know it's what you want and need, but are you what he wants and needs? He's someone you want forever and you'll never be willing to let go of. He'll never show up on the Spring cleaning list. You know he could be interested, but you're afraid because you don't want to let something so perfect get away.

Boy #2: The backup. He's cute. And from what you've heard, he's quite the catch. You have no idea what you're expecting from him, mainly because you watch him from afar. However, even though you have no clue what you want, he is so intriguing and want to get to know this individual. You bother your friends to get the inside scoop in hopes that they'll tell you every thing you're hoping him to be. You don't even know if it could work out, but you're dying to try!

Boy #3: The last resort. He's cute and you're actually familiar with him, but not sure if you even want to bother pursuing it. He's a nice guy, but the only reason you even think about him is in the case that the others don't work out, you at least can have some reassurance that the good ones aren't all taken.

Are you making the connection yet? See, you need a #1, then a back up that will at least give you motivation to get up and look cute in the morning, and then someone that could be good for you but you're just unsure of because the other ones are exactly what you want!!

Here's what you don't want:

Dress A: Amazing price, but doesn't fit at all! Wayyyy to big or wayyyy to small! Slight disappointment, but it's not even what you'd be excited over anyways.

---> translation: It's too easy. He'd date you in a heartbeat, but you don't care the least bit to date him. He's not your type, you're not attracted to him, he isn't what you're looking for, and he really turns off if anything.

Dress B: A basic item. but you have enough of those anyways. It fits, it looks good, but you're looking for something to stand out.
---> translation: The friend. He's great, you get along, but you've got enough of those anyways. He's not anyone that you're super excited about and you aren't looking to impress them.

So in relation to our lives...

Naomi: Dress #1 & #2... still needs #3

Liese: Dress #2... still needs #1 & #3

Don't you just love our lives?

Maya Angelou...

(Ink on my fingers)

I'm not going to pretend that I fully understand what this means, but I like it none the less.

Good Riddance...

2009, o what a year. As we draw near to the end of it, and also near to the 20^th December, I can’t help reflecting back on what a crazy year this has been. I have a strange urge to not keep secrets, as at the beginning of this year I was living a lie keeping secret upon secret. I became a fabulous actress, not a soul knew what was going on in my life, I was even able to fool myself. But even now, after the truth has been somewhat out, my life is still full of secrets, some of which some days I feel like shouting and setting the record straight. Some things are just taboo, you don’t talk about them, I’m told to keep quiet. The only person that knows the whole story is some Therapist in Saint George. I was finally able to unload and let everything go. I learnt to forgive and be at peace. But this doesn’t mean I condone the things that have happened that have forever changed my life.

There have been two moments in my life that I consider the hardest experiences I’ve had. One being when I was 11, the other at 20. Both have put me in a situation in which I either choose to see what an awful position I am in, or to choose God, to love him no matter what, even as I take my last breath. If I died today, I would want it to be known that I loved my God, and my Savior who redeems my soul from hell. When I realized how easily my life could be taken away, I had a paradigm shift, not necessarily for the better. Being late to class doesn’t matter when I get to have a sincere conversation with a friend instead. Personal belongings don’t matter when I realized what I would be wiling to leave behind when all I have is 20 minutes to pack my life into black trash bags and never return for the rest. I know who my true friends are, as they stood by me, and stand by still. If there ever was a test of friendship Rachel Marquez passed, as she with stood the fear to be by my side. There were nights when I cried and prayed so hard for an angle to rescue me, that I was bitterly disappointed when I was still left there on the floor. But now looking back I can see that I was sent my angles, 3 of them. Laney who was strong willed, Anges who understood, and Rachel who was there so I didn’t have to be alone.

At times I have thought that my life would be easier right now if I went back, I wouldn’t of had to move 7 times in one year, I wouldn’t be scrapping around for food, I wouldn’t be going on awkward dates with guys that don’t talk, and going to the temple by myself. I’d have my other half that I loved so dearly. But yesterday in class I heard this quote, “In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.” After hearing this I immediately thought of my future children. I am doing all this, choosing the harder, lonelier road now, so that one day they can be born into a home that is safe, and filled with love. I am sacrificing now, so that hopefully my children will never have to experience what I once did.

I posted the “sad story” below, as my way of recognizing and thanking God I’m still here, and that that news report isn’t about me.  But also to recognize that poor girls life, my fellow comrade in this crazy world.

I don’t know why I’ve been dealt the cards that I have? Was I given them, or did I foolishly pick them myself? Either way, I’m glad 2009 is almost over. A rough year to say the least, but I’ve learnt to love, learnt to forgive, learnt not to judge others and relate to people I never would have understood before. I’ve learnt that God’s hand at times can almost be so visible, and that He’s the only one you need to depend on, I have been fed and sheltered all this time by no means of my own.

So I look forward to saying, so long 2009, and bring on 2010, with graduation, and hopefully a mission call, and turning 22, and having as much fun as I can with my last 4 months at BYU.

sad story...

The simple little things...

From past relationships I've come to realise how important it is for me to feel accepted for just the way that I am. A clear example of this is my hair! Tim liked it long, Jeremy wanted it blonder with a center part, Josh wanted it dyed brown. I come across all these men that would like me to change my hair to whatever image they have in their head. This March I cut off 14 inches to spite my ex who always wanted my hair long and never cut it. It was my way of saying, I’ll do whatever I darn well please. I’ve since regretted the chop, as in fact I prefer my hair long, and I'm growing it back. But I felt good doing it. My little act of defiance.

The reason why I’m thinking about all this is because in a random conversation with a guy I casually mentioned maybe dying my hair dark, and his response was, “I like your hair just how it is.” To him this must have seemed an insignificant thing to say, and the conversation moved on to some other random topic. Maybe he was indifferent as he already has a girlfriend, or maybe he doesn't know me well enough to feel like he can tell me otherwise?  However, for me, that one little phrase gave me a glimmer of hope that it is going to be possible to find a man that will say, "hun, I like you just how you are."

This doesn't mean I want to stay how I am, I'd like to have my long hair back, and I want to get back down to 114lbs, my jeans just fitted better then.

So my little mental list of tick boxes in my head for a future husband now has a new addition...

Doesn't try impose how I should do my hair, and tell me I'm lovely just the way I am :-)

How to Jerk...

Not quite a poem?

Dear Mr. Wannabe Rock Star,

I gave you my heart once,

And was left to repair it.

After all this time,

 you casually stride back,

I’m whole and willing to give,

My heart held in open hands.

Yet now I disappointedly see,

I’m a casualty,

 Of unrequited infatuation.

You carelessly play with my heartstrings,

As smoothly as the strings of your bass.

I’m a mere accessory,

Sitting idle, waiting at your disposal.

Your indifference bruises,

I have to start building quick,

Lego brick walls,

With only a small red door.

The password is not a word,

But a phrase,

One that would never occur to you. 

A -Z of Essex English:

My aunty sent me this today, and while reading through it I became rather ashamed that I too say some of these. I like to think I'm not that Essex, but it turns out I am. I was having a conversation the other day in which I was talking about being "specific", and the guy laughed saying, "I thought you were across the Atlantic, not the pacific!" I looked at him confused, and asked what? And he said I said pacific instead of specific, which i tried to defend that I didn't. But after reading this today I realize I'm more Essex than I thought!

CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with mayonnaise.

CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)

DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.

EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."

ERZ - Belonging to her.

FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.

FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 -1990.

FOR CRYIN AT LAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. "For cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?"

GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."

HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.

IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's a bit iffy."

JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."

LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.

LOTREE - Costs £1 for a ticket.

MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.

MAFFS - The study of numbers.

MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).

NEEVA - Not one nor the other.

OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.

ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."

OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."

PACIFIC - Specific.

QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."

 RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."

 REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp

 it.. I was on the reband from Craig."

SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.

TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well

 top evvy."

UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.

 VACHER - A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a

 vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."

WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."

 ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true. "Craig, I

 must've told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."